By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
