so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
