i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
