Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The cops high fived after they tackled you
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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