The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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