If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
