Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
