3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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