I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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