What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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