Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
