Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
never play flip cup with pint glasses
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
