Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
