SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
