I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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