new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
