The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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