can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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