Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
