what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
