Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
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