It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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