Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
