Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
