ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I think I just shit out all my problems.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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