I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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