also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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