well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
