just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
