you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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