Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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