I skipped work to stalk him.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
