i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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