I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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