I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
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