Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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