someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
