Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
