you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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