Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
