Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
