Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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