Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
