I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
