the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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