I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
