it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
