Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
