she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
