Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
