Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
