i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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