im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
