i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
