Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
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