I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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