As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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