So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
