my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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