we have officially lost it.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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