woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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